Blue shoes

a story inspired by Graz

I was standing in front of the Friendly Alien. By that I don’t mean the black-curled stranger with the welcoming smile right next to me.

“Friendly Alien” is the nickname of the art museum in Graz with its unusually curved forms and a modern facade of shimmering blue panels. It indeed looked like a giant alien that had landed right in between the baroque red roofs of the historic town. It seemed to not belong here at all, but I understood it as a tribute to embracing being different.

“I don’t even know your name yet!”, I heard a voice next to me say. I turned back to the stranger by my side.

“My name is Thea”, I answered.

“Nice to meet you! I’m Nico.”

I had asked him for the way to the painted houses, and he immediately stood by to help me. But even after I received the information I wanted (with some additional fun facts about the art museum), our conversation went on, and I started to enjoy his company. He paused for a moment, probably noticing too that the purpose of our encounter was already met.

“How changeable are your plans?” He smiled as if he had the intention to toss them all overboard and maybe create a new purpose. “There is a café nearby that you got to see!”

Something about his warm and vivid energy immediately made me say yes. I could see sparks of excitement entering his dark, brown eyes, and he hurried to park his bike to be back by my side. He showed me a way along the river Mur, and we entered an overpass leading from the shore to a café out of glass that was built right in the middle of the stream. We entered and sat down next to the transparent wall with water surrounding us.

“That’s an amazing place!”, I shouted out. “Thank you for showing me.”

“Isn’t it?” Nico smiled and looked quite happy with himself. Then he asked me: “How come I still don’t know what brings you to Graz?”

I shrugged my shoulders and smiled. It was complicated and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get into it (at all, let alone right away).

“Okay, okay…”, he interrupted my thought process, “let me guess. I’m sure I can figure it out!”

He looked at me in playful earnestness.

“Did you just randomly throw a dart on a map to help you decide where to go on vacation?”

“You don’t do Graz justice!” I laughed, “people come here by choice too, you know!”

“So that’s what you did? Graz was your chosen holiday destination?”

I shook my head. “I’m not here for a getaway.”

“I thought so! Hmm… maybe you are a secret spy… And it’s dangerous for me to meet you…”

“Only if you have something to hide…”, I answered rakishly.

“I don’t!”, he replied holding up his arms in a defensive gesture.

“Okay, then tell me why you are in Graz!”, I demanded, continuing our game.

“Well…”, he hesitated. “maybe I am an undercover tourist guide, and you will get a fat check later!”

“Oh nooo!” I laughed.

The waiter came to our table and told us that there were only hot drinks left, since they were closing soon. “But I just found exactly two bottles of a very special lime cider, which is really good!”, he added.

“Exactly two?”, Nico said.

“Should we take that as a sign from the universe?”, I asked.

“That or he is just an extremely good salesman!”

“Either way”, I said, “I think both should be rewarded!”

We drank a toast to the unusual encounter of a spy and an undercover tourist guide. As the daylight slowly left Graz and the river took on darker colors, Nico told me about some of his crazy ideas: “I am thinking of getting a tattoo on my wrists. On the left wrist I’ll write fear on the other one I’ll write love to remind myself that those are the two ways I can make decisions. Out of fear, or out of love.”

“Here is what you should do!”, I replied. “You can’t just leave your other extremities out of the decision-making process. That’s just unfair. I would suggest you get 4 tattoos! On your left wrist you write love for yourself, on the right wrist, love for others, on your left ankle safety and on your right one growth.”

“Hmm I will think about it.” He seemed like he would really take it into consideration.

“Don’t think too long”, I answered. “Try it out!”

He shot me a dumbfounded look. “Trying out a tattoo?”

“Yes! You are lucky I have my emergency tattoo kit with me, in case of a… well… tattoo emergency.” I searched my bag and pulled out a black pen.

“No, don’t!”, he laughed and pulled back his arms knowing what I had in mind.

“We can do it together!”, I suggested.

I started with my wrist and slowly wrote the word “love” and added an arrow pointing towards me. And on the other hand, an arrow pointing away from me. Next came the two remaining words on my ankles.

“Well, now I can’t leave you hanging like that, can I”, he said. With a grin I shook my head.

“You know it’s really bad for your skin to…” – “So, you choose safety?”, I interrupted him. Reluctantly he held his hand towards me.

“At least be gentle with me!”

“It will only hurt a little!”

With our new tattoos, we left the café and made our way to the castle rock. It was a little hill in the center of Graz with a clock tower on top of it. We did not take the stairs, but entered a dark tunnel that led upwards, so, by walking through it, we would reach the top. Several art projects, colorful light illusions, and spooky music were escorting us through the arch masonry.

We arrived at the top. The entire city was laid out around us, full of grey and brown roof tops. Only where the city touched the foot of the mountain the rooftops were colored in the bright red of the old town. It looked like a grey ocean to me with waves breaking around the edges of the hill into red foam. The sun had already set, the city lights were reflecting down in the river, and I could even see the Friendly Alien from up here. The dark panels were used for artistic projections, and different forms and words were lighting up in perfect view from the edge of the castle’s wall, where we were just sitting down. A guy near us started playing music from his speakers. “Does it bother you?”, he asked.

“No, turn it up!”, Nico shouted. It was a beautiful, calming song, called “Blue lights”, which felt like the scenes we were witnessing distilled into music. I knew I wanted to keep it in my heart, this feeling, here over the skyline of Graz.

“I have a question for you”, I said.

“Okay, shoot!”, Nico answered.

“Do you want to play a game?”

“Always”, he replied, with a big smile on his face.

I had been carrying a little red box with me all along the way with the vision of meeting someone who I wanted to try it out with.

“It is a game of questions”, I explained.

He reached for the box to take a closer look. On top of it was the title: We’re not really strangers. Upon opening up the box, a small note fell out. He read it out loud: “There are two ways to play this game: You can either play it safe or play to grow.”

He looked up and smiled. I smiled back. His kind, dark eyes were all I saw in that moment. The view of the city has long now transformed into merely blurry background.

“The first level is perception.”

“Okay, let’s begin!”

The first person to blink was to start. I looked into his eyes, and it didn’t take me long to lose. So, I reached for the first pile to draw the first card.

Level 1: Perception

“What was your first impression of me?”

He: Okay, let me think… It’s not that long ago…

I found you attractive! First, I noticed your hair. It is very long! But also, your happiness. You seemed so happy and positive like you figured it all out!

Me: I also noticed that positivity about you!

We instantly had this warm energy. You were smiling even before you jumped off your bike. And then it was as if we had already known each other for a long time.

"Wildcard: Make an assumption about me!”

Me: You seem like someone who has a podcast!

He: Awesome! What is it called?

Me: It’s called “life as an optimist” and

people can call you and ask for advice on personal topics.

He: Do I find good answers?

Me: Yes, you would answer things like:

“Have you tried it with a smile?” or “be nice to your neighbors!” or “reconnect with nature!”

He: Damn, I am super wise.

Me: Yes, that’s why you have a podcast!

What’s you assumption about me?

He: I think… you are someone who likes slides…

Me: Of course, I like slides! They are the

most efficient way to go downwards!

He: I am glad to hear. Because we will go sliding today!

Me: We will?

He: Yes. Just wait and see!

“What do you think is the hardest thing about what I do for a living?”

He: That’s difficult if I don’t even know what you

are working as… But I am pretty sure it’s something creative since you did such a good job with our tattoos. And the hardest part in creative professions might be to find your own worth and don’t set your prices too low.

Me: You’re not far off… I have the feeling

you are a performer of some kind. Maybe a magician! Or an actor.

He: Really? Why do you think that?

Me: Your smile looks like straight out of a tooth paste ad!

You seem to take good care of your appearance, and you present yourself quite charismatically. I think you are ambitious. The hardest thing then might be to be cautious if you are still working towards a life that you love instead of following merely the idea of fame and success.

He: Not bad, but not quite! The hardest thing,

at least so far, was to leave my home country and start in a new firm in Austria without even speaking German.

Me: Okay, I see. That must have been tough.

Why did you leave behind your home?

Nico kicked his right foot in the air and pointed at the writing on it.

He: That’s why..

I smiled.

Me: You chose growth.

“What character would I play in a movie?”

Me: You would play a scientist who is working

on a great invention, a world sensation, but his creation develops consciousness and he has to battle it in the end!

He: You would play that innocent new intern

who is secretly plotting to destroy that very firm!

Me: Oh damn, that is good! You know what? I have already played a role in a film. When I was 16 I shot a movie with my classmates.

He: No shit!

Me: I played a girl who lost their memories

in a car accident. And she returns to school in order to gain back her memory. But then she gets to know the girl she used to bully and finds out she was actually a bitch.

He: Was the idea inspired by your life?

Me: Hey! As a matter of fact, I have not experienced that!

He: You knew all along that you were a bitch? :D

Me: Hahaha exactly :D

"What do my shoes tell you about me?”

Me: Let me just say… Wherever you got those shoes,

they are definitely not from this world! They are out-of-this-world shoes. I am pretty sure your undercover tourist guide story was just another cover up for your true identity! You are not even from this planet!

He: I am human, I swear!

Me: That’s exactly what an alien would say!

He: But what about your shoes?! They have

very weird things on their soles. Quite alien if you ask me…

Me: Those are hiking shoes!

He: Why the heck would you need hiking shoes

for a city trip! That’s what I imagine an alien wearing who has never been to earth before – ready for the unpredictable surface of this world!

Me: Very suspicious how you are

trying to turn this thing around…

He: The suspicion is all mine…

It was getting cold and very dark. The city lights were glistening in the distance accompanied by an orchestra of crickets. We left our scenic lookout spot and walked towards some stairs that were leading down back into the heart of the mountain. Inside of the cave there was a sign: “the longest underground slide of the world.”

“You have slides inside of mountains? Cafés inside of rivers? How crazy is this place?!”, I said in wonder.

“Don’t worry, we’ll meet again!”, Nico said just before he vanished into the dark slide.

I followed him and sat down on the edge of the slide. With a brief scream I let myself fall into the pitch-black hole, and the darkness fully surrounded me. I got faster and faster, and all of a sudden, I reached a segment that was fully out of glass with some light revealing the structure of rocks behind it. I could see how the mountain encased me from all sides, and I imagined the amount of firm stone piling up over my head and reaching down all the way to the ground. I really wouldn’t want to get stuck in here.

After some time that felt like several minutes, a bright light was appearing in front of me, and the slide leveled out. Nico offered me a hand. “May I?”

“That was scary!”, I said while standing up. “But awesome!”

As we left the cave we were back right in the middle of the historic town. We exchanged numbers and decided to see each other the next day.

“It will be my last day in Graz, tomorrow”, I said.

“I am honored you chose me to spend it with you”, he replied elegantly and added a little bow.

I saved my number in his phone under the name “Blue Lights”. As I checked mine, I saw a new contact in my list: “Shoes of another world”.

Level 2: Connection

The night was warm and smelled like summer. We were sitting at a square in the middle of the ancient town of Graz. Around us, people were drinking coffee and chatting. Their faces were shimmering in the candle lights. As we moved on to the next level of our game, we happened to touch each other quite some time. He was so smooth about it. So smooth! I would have been rolling my eyes if I hadn’t been busy being intrigued.

“What is the question you ask yourself the most in your life right now?”

He: How to deal with my anxiety.

Me: Do you mean how to face your fears

or do you mean an underlying anxiety?

He: Generally. For example, in dating. I have

a lot of anxieties when I’m going on a date.

Me: You don’t seem anxious at all!

He: I keep it in check. But let me tell you…

if I did something like this…

…he reaches for my hand, gently, and held it, with the two black errors on our wrist pointing towards each other.

He: I’d feel my heart pounding

all the way to my ears.

He smiled at me with a mixture of confidence and cautious tenderness. In immediate contagion my lips competed with his for who can wear the bigger smile. I felt the warmth of his hand on mine, and I couldn’t belief how effortlessly he had reached for my touch. As if it was just a matter of our conversation, he drew it back again, but the way he looked at me I knew he enjoyed the effect his gesture had on me.

He: What is your answer?

Me: I ask myself whether I am authentic.

Because that’s what I want to be.

He: Have you been authentic with me?

Me: Yes!

I smiled as I realized that it was true. No play pretend. No trying to be liked. Just myself being as present in the moment as I can be.

“What is the most unexplainable thing that’s ever happened to you?”

Me: Oh, I have a very deep and depressing answer,

or do you want to hear the…

He: No, I want to hear exactly that

Me: Are you sure?

He: Yes

Me: Really, really sure?

He: Yes yes!

Me: The most unexplainable thing for me are the

circumstances in which my father died. I remember looking out of the window and seeing him in the garden checking his hands, like he couldn’t believe what he was experiencing. He was dizzy and couldn’t concentrate. My family and I brought him to the hospital. We tried to cheer him up. “It will all be fine”. We didn’t know that when he entered the hospital, he would never come out of it again. 2 months later he was gone. He died of a rare disease doctors don’t understand yet. It was brutal. I watched him lose all bodily functions in the shortest amount of time. When we realized it was terminal, he had already lost the ability to speak. There were no last words he spoke to us. I still wish for these last words. Some sort of guidance to deal with the mess of my life after his death.

He: I’m sorry you had to go through this.

I know how this feels. Actually, I’m puzzled how familiar your story is.

Me: It is?

He: Mine is so similar. My answer to the question of

the most unexplainable thing is also the death of my father when I still lived in Santiago. My mother would call me because my father was dizzy. We tried to help him walk, but I noticed, that he couldn’t set one foot in front of the other. That’s when I realized: It must be something in his brain. We called an ambulance. For my father it was also the last time he was home that day. He had a stroke. The bleeding was quite heavy. So, they performed surgery on him. I was home alone for two months. My mother and father had to go to a special hospital, and they kept postponing. But it worked out in the end. I even talked to him on the phone afterwards. He sounded okay. The next morning my brother called me and said, our father is in heaven now. He passed away at 3:00 night. I couldn’t believe it. That very night something weird had happened. I had woken up at 3:00, because the light in our living room had gone on. I am on the other side of the house and my window is facing down to the living room. As the light was suddenly shining in my face, I woke up. It was weird because I was the only one in the house. I was ready to fight an intruder! But no one was there. Some people might say that was his way of saying good bye. But what the fuck! Why would he do that! Why would he say goodbye by turning on the lights? Like, man, that was so scary!”

I was laughing a bit about the funny way Nico ended his story. It was a calm and bitter-sweet laugh – bitter in the subject of death, sweet in the feeling of our stories connecting, as if, with a click into place, they had just now found a link to each other.

Me: Do you want a hug?

He: Yes…

Wild card: Draw a picture together.

“Drawing a picture together? What does that mean?”, I wondered.

“Let’s just pretend like we use one pen together”, Nico suggested. He took two pens out of the red box and gave one of them to me. We then pressed the tips of our pens really close together so that they touched the paper almost in one point.

“See? Now we have one conjoined pen!”

“Awesome. But what now?”

“Now we stop talking and figure out a way to draw together.”

I smiled silently and nodded. I liked this challenge. We both figured out which options we had pretty fast. Leading, following, fighting and standing still. I felt that Nico increased the pressure he put on my pen. My options were now to follow his lead or resist. I gave in to his pressure for a while, and a round circle was the consequence of it. Then I had my own idea and started to change the direction. Now it was Nico’s decision whether he let me lead or whether he was stubborn about his vision. In shaky lines we drew a form that kind of looked like a person. As we continued, our movements became more subtle and smooth, and it was not that easy to say anymore who was leading.

“It kind of looks like us”, Nico said looking at the wavy silhouettes. He then told me about an experiment, where two people were standing in front of two door handles. “Their assignment was to shut the door at the same speed. First Person A was chosen as the leader. It was their responsibility to decide how fast they would shut the door. Person B had to follow and try to close it at the same time, under the instructions of Person A. Then they switched roles. The speed of shutting the door was measured and then compared. At last, they were ordered to be both leader AND follower at the same time. What do you think? Which version had better results?”

“I think if the roles are clearly separated, so if one person is the leader and the other one the follower, it leads to better results.”

“Well, not in this experiment. Surprisingly, when both were leading and following at the same time, the measurements of speed were the most similar. This is due to both people being equally proactive as well as cautious to the actions of the other person. It leads to cautious proactivity which seems to be a very productive way of cooperation!”

“We surely set an example for that.” I couldn’t stop laughing as we both proudly looked at our wavey piece of abstract art.

Wild card: Press shuffle on your music playlist.

It was my turn, and a cover song of the movie “La La Land” came up. It was a sweet, calm melody.

“Oh, let’s dance! Can you dance waltz?”, I asked moving my head slowly in three-quarter time.

“Yes, well no, not really. Also, there are too many people around. I could know someone…”

“Oh, come one!”

“What did you like about the movie?”, he asked.

“I just loved the magical feeling of living it portrays. It’s all about dancing through life and not pondering too much what others think of it, don’t you agree?” I challenged him with a smile.

He seemed to think about my words for some time. Then he went: “Fuck it, let’s dance!” So we turned a few rounds in very gentle moves. The music was over soon, and we stopped, smiled at each other and sat back down again.

This time it was Nico who challenged me with a grin as he said: “We should put on the real soundtrack of La La Land and properly dance to it.”

“What?” I was confused. “Okay... So you know the movie too?”

He: “Great! You agree!”

He looked down on the screen to start the song, this time a vivid jazz version with a faster beat. He turned the music up for everyone to hear. Some heads turned towards us. As the first climax of the song came up, he jumped up, took some steps, just to turn around again, ran towards me and with the crescendo of the trumpets jumped up the bench. He moved just like the protagonist in the movie. Next came a jump down again, a slide to the side, one, two, three, quick steps and a swirl around. I couldn’t believe it. He started to dance the ACTUAL dance from the movie! And wow… he was a great dancer! I just sat there speechless and amazed. At that point I just couldn’t resist his charm anymore. The way he confidently gave me a dance performance in front of all those people at the square... He stuck his hand out charmingly and swirled me around a few times. People were looking, but I didn’t care. And I would always care when people were looking. Even if I danced like no one was watching. But not this time.

Level 3: Reflection

We were at his apartment. It was nice. Almost too nice. Minimalistic and clean. Big TV. Perfect computer set up. Lights that he could dim with his phone.

Sometimes his charisma irritated me. Whenever he told a story, he set the pun perfectly with the perfect performance, just as if he was on stage talking to a big audience and trying to make them laugh. And it worked. He definitely had skills. He told me that he used to be a pick-up artist – going up to women to find creative ways to make them give him a kiss or their number. I didn’t say much about that other than: “Isn’t that a little sexist?” And he would reply: “Oh, it was very sexist.”

We were sitting outside, covered in blankets. Music in the background and a hot tea in front of us. We would both constantly forget whose turn it was to draw a card. So to settle it, we just looked into each other’s eyes. The first one to blink should read the next one. This time he lost, so he read out loud:

“What do you admire most about me?”

Me: You are an artist of situations! The way you just started

dancing on that square... You create such a wonderful atmosphere and you do it in such a charming, light-hearted way; to a degree where I don’t know anymore, if I can take credit for anything good that is happening.

He: How do you mean that?

Me: It’s like everything around you transforms into pure joy.

I don’t even know if I contribute to the energy or if that’s just you and what you bring out in others.

He: No, it’s definitely coming from both of us.

I feel like I really have no choice but to be completely in the moment with you. I don’t know how you do it. But there is something about you that is so intensely alive. It’s infectious!

“What do I need to hear right now?”

He: From me? I think you don’t need anything from me.

You seem quite independent. There is no need for me to do anything.

Me: I have one thing you definitely need to hear. So, listen.

Imagine that above our heads there is a giant spaceship. And two aliens are looking at us. They are looking at us through a telescope. At the same time, they are moving away from us with light speed. If they do that forever, they will forever see this very moment through their lens. There will forever be the image of us sitting here out there in the universe. Ready for someone to see it. With a light speed telescope only, of course.

He: So, this is forever?

Me: Yes.

He: Shiiit. I’m not prepared!

Me: Don’t worry. No one ever is…

We had ordered pizza and went inside to eat it. Nico switched on a galaxy projector and effortlessly slid the couch into a bed.

“Make yourself comfortable”, he said.

“What about me is hardest for you to understand?”

Me: Well, there is one thing that’s a little irritating for me…

It’s really hard to tell whether you are truthful or acting, like you are performing a version of yourself.

He nodded silently. Smiled. Then went: “Damn” as if I’d hit close to home.

He: Is it because I told you about picking up girls for fun?

Me: It definitely contributes to my feeling.

Everything is so perfect here. Even the lights. It’s almost unreal. Like you have created this exact situation many times.

He: And what do you think is missing?

Me: I wouldn’t go as far as saying something is missing.

I am just very curious. Curious if I will get to know you from a more vulnerable side.

He: You are quite puzzling to me too. There are so

many different pieces that I cannot put together. There are a few answers I would like to have from you too. Some sort of clarity…

Me: To which question?

He: In general, you know? Like, what this means to you, and stuff… What meeting me means to you…

I looked up at the dancing purple and blue lights on the ceiling. I think we were both filled with expectations, but they were hanging unspoken over our heads. We have avoided this topic so far.

Me: We’ve known each other no longer than 36 hours.

It’s insane how fast I felt connected to you.

He: And?

Me: What do you want to hear?

He: Will we meet again?

Me: I’m not sure. It’s difficult. But I hope we will.

We both were silent in this moment. Maybe we were both waiting for an opportunity to move to the next stage. But we have already reached the final stage in this card game. What comes after?

“Let’s play the final card”, I suggested.

The Final Card: Write each other a note. Only read it when you have parted.

We were sitting on his sofa. I thought about what I could write on my paper. For a moment I wondered if there was an important question left to ask, which the little red box had not dictated us.

I looked at him. Our eyes met. He smiled back at me his bright and radiant smile that I had come to know so well in the past 36 hours.

I started writing on my paper. Playfully, I read it out loud while writing: “You should have told me what that smile meant…”

I looked up to see his reaction. There was a bit of frustration but also provocation in my gaze. Nico’s smile went wider.

He was still not saying a word. Just smiling as if he wanted to tease me with it.

Then he broke the silence with one little word: “before…”

I was confused. “Before?”

“Before!”, he repeated emphatically.

As I searched his expression for an explanation, I slowly understood.

I added his little word to my sentence.

“You should have told me what that smile meant, before…”

What was the next word!

“you?”, I said.

“kissed” he said.

I smiled. The last word was up to

“me.”

And that was when he leaned over.

In this moment, we both were leading.

My whole note said:

You should have told me what that smile meant

before

you

kissed

me.

We have answered so many questions together. However, there are so many unresolved. Do you think we have asked the most important ones?

I somehow like that I cannot quite put it all together. My time here in Graz with you felt like a poem. I am kind of confused about what it all meant, but there is this inherent beauty in these moments with you that feel like they could last forever.

I read his note on my way home that night, right next to the Mur, as I walked past that beautiful café inside of the river. At night it was illuminated with all sorts of colorful lights and looked even more beautiful than during daytime.

His note said:

You were wondering if I was performing a version of myself.

Maybe what you noticed was that I tried to cover up how scared I was. I was scared that you would break my confidence.

But I don’t want to choose fear. So here is what my smile meant:

It took me by surprise.

I wasn’t ready.

A tsunami of emotions overwhelmed me.

It was too late when I realize the impact your presence had on me.

We are now forever in the telescope of some alien spaceship.

While they take amusement in how we interact,

we are lost in each other’s eyes, words and magic.

There was one thought stuck in my head as I looked up to the stars.

“What a familiar stranger”, I mumbled to the night and my gaze met the shimmering panels of the Art Museum. I hoped this feeling of being so intensely present would follow me home. Even past the gleaming lights of Graz.